A cup of change

3 habits I realized I needed to change now that I am a Mother

On Saturday, June 8th, 2019 my life changed forever. I discovered that we (my husband and I) were pregnant. This took me by complete surprise because I had what I thought was my menstrual cycle, and I had just taken a test a few days before resulting in a negative result. Yes, we had been intentionally trying to make a baby, but to our knowledge, it hadn’t happened. When I took that test again because I felt so sick to the point I contemplated going to the emergency room, I wanted to rule out pregnancy as a possibility. I was not only shocked to see the word “pregnant” in clear digital letters and clear plus signs (I took about five tests to be super sure I wasn’t losing my mind), I was also fully aware that from this moment forward everything would revolve around my child. That realization was sobering and frightening at the same time. I started searching within myself and realized that while this was going to be the greatest season of my life, and becoming a mommy was a gift from God; there were also things about me and habits that desperately needed changing if I wanted to not only be a good mom but a godly mom. There were five areas where I desperately needed to make changes even before the birth of my baby.

“Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation.”

Robert A. Heinlein

The first habit that needed immediate change involved denouncing the need to always defend myself and my choices. As a public figure with a combined social presence of over 110K across my Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube platforms, I am highly visible all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. While most people are able to conduct themselves like civilized adults (even when they don’t agree with me) as well as be loving, supportive, and kind–it isn’t always like that, and some people can be mean. I slipped into a habit of constant ‘clap back’ and always defending myself when a person(s) would attack me online. Not only was this detrimental to my mental health, but it also affected my relationships with people in real life. I felt myself becoming insanely defensive toward my husband and my mother about my choices and feelings; I became so aggressive toward my two closest allies in my real world! How crazy is that? I was letting a virtual world be the steering wheel for my real world. Craziness. I’ll talk about how social media affects mental health another time, but it was evident I needed to implement a change ASAP. Getting pregnant made me realize I needed to learn how to walk heavier in the spirit of MUTE, BLOCK, and DELETE instead of replying every time something struck a nerve, was rude, condescending, mean spirited or just quite frankly, stupid. My mental health matters so much more than getting the last word. My relationships in real life also matter so much more than getting the last word with strangers online. Now, I am quick to hit that block button and keep it moving. I have to protect my mind because I need it to raise my baby effectively. The motto is now and forevermore: monitor your mind and remain at peace.

“The problem isn’t really your body, the problem is what you think of it.”

Author Unknown

Another habit that needed changing was the way I thought of myself and spoke to myself where the body [image] is concerned. I have always been a “small” or “petite” girl. Up until I got married in October 2017 I was approximately 120 pounds soaking wet….maybe 125 with the right heels on. So, I have always been tiny. I could eat whatever I wanted to, do whatever I wanted to and not gain weight. Although I loved that aspect of it, I also at times wanted to be “thicker” but still slim. I resented having thin arms and a small chest barely filling out a bra as an adult woman, but loved my tiny waist and long legs. I secretly wished I could change certain parts of my body and keep the other parts. Well, when I got married I started to gain weight. Everywhere. At first, it was cool. I liked it. I started ‘filling out’. But then, more weight came, and some more weight, and then some more weight until I found myself with no clothes that fit me, and a whopping 160 pounds staring back at me as the number on my digital scale. All the wonderful cooking, good lovemaking, and being happily married added a whole forty pounds to my body! It took some adjusting to, but I sold all my old clothes via my Instagram page and used the money to buy new ones. All of this didn’t go unnoticed by many people who immediately took to asking “are you pregnant?” because of how much weight I gained. We were not pregnant and a small piece of me broke each time someone asked and mentioned my weight because a) we were trying and it had not happened and b) I began to feel even more self-conscious than ever before and wish my body looked different. This was something I carried well into the second trimester of my pregnancy when we discovered our baby’s gender and discovered she was a girl. Finding out the baby was a girl began to do a sort of open-heart surgery on my heart and emotions, so to speak. All the extra female hormones and everything else made me much more conscious of the fact having a girl means so much more than just having a female fetus. For example, did you know that a female baby develops her own ovaries and eggs even while still in her mother’s womb? That means, the fetus already has some of the eggs that can potentially be fertilized by sperm when that baby grows into an adult woman. Translation: if you are having a girl baby, you are not only carrying your daughter, it is possible you are carrying your granddaughter(s) too! I was blown away by this fact. Not only did it shock me and make me think “how cool!”, but it also made me go “wait a minute!” because the reality hit me that THREE generations were already linked together without my even realizing. I am big on generational understanding, unpacking generational trauma, and generational healing hence why I am in school for Pastoral Counseling and plan to switch over to Marriage and Family Therapy. My background and educational pursuits led me to quickly realize anything and everything I pass to my daughter, can also be passed through my daughter to her daughter; good, bad, or indifferent. I began to see that something I had to work at not passing down was my negative body image. I began to work at making sure any personal insecurity I might have is not passed down to my daughter and passed off as normal. ⁣I started talking more positively to myself and to the baby in the mirror as I rubbed my budding belly. I began to embrace my new breasts, hips, widened frame, and new curves. Why? Because I realized everything I feel, my baby feels and if I hated my body that means she could feel my hatred toward my body. Going a step deeper, I began to think even beyond this and on to the ‘bigger picture’. In the grand scheme of things, I never want my daughter to feel responsible for the changes in my body from pregnancy. She had no control over that. Although it’s been a process of coming to terms with my new body, I never want her to think to gain weight is a bad thing or stretch marks are unnatural or unacceptable. My stomach may never be a washboard again and I’ve begun to accept that happily.

I don’t want to open a door to my daughter having insecurity about her body image just because I had one about mine.  She will never hear “you did this to my body” or “before you I had an amazing body”. I still have an amazing body because it was able to carry and sustain her. ⁣I want to raise my daughter to love herself without limitations including those that could be caused by me.⁣ Ultimately, I want my daughter to love herself, and one day raise her own daughter [my granddaughter] to love herself. This is an ongoing work in progress, and it has been throughout my pregnancy. But, the good news is I am constantly working at it. The change had to start somewhere: with me.
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“We live and breathe words.”

Cassandra Clare

The third habit I realized needed changing was the way I speak. Now, I am a generally upbeat, positive, fun, and energetic kind of ‘gal. I like to have a good time. I like to think of myself as an undiscovered comedian because I just naturally find humor in most situations and things. This is not to say I never struggle with negativity or letting the wrong things come out of my mouth. On the contrary, it has been quite a challenge to always be positive and as a result on several occasions including at the beginning of this year, I have had to embark on a 40 Day Word Fast. A Word Fast is a journaling prompt of 40 days using a book called The 40 Day Word Fast by Tim Cameron. It is designed to help eliminate toxic words from a person’s vocabulary including complaints, gossip, judgment, sarcasm, and any other negative words or use of words. I have done the Word Fast before, but this time in light of the fact I am carrying and bringing forth life I knew that I needed to do it again at this particular season of my life. Complaining had become a huge stronghold for me. I found myself complaining about everything from my aches and pains, to my disrupted sleep patterns to anything that caused me discomfort in this pregnancy. Complaining is a poison that slowly eats away at your joy and I started to see that. It was eating away at my joy and the enjoyment of my pregnancy. Cycling back to the idea that my baby feels everything I feel, if I was feeling unhappy or grumbled without a doubt I knew my baby could feel those emotions and I did not want that for her. I decided to get my mouth together and it is shaping up to be one of the best things I could have worked at changing. Not only do I feel better emotionally, but I have also been able to think clearer and prepare myself mentally for the hard task of labor and delivery. I have begun to store up my energy, emotions, and words for what counts. I feel much better and I am excited about having my baby. Sometimes you just need a detox not from what is going into your mouth…but what is coming out of it.

I have more work to do if I am to be a godly mother and a good mother but this was a start. I see the little fruit buds of change budding in my life as the days roll by and I am grateful to be in a position of growth. Anything that isn’t growing is dying and I am just grateful to be growing because it means I am not dying.