It is so hard to believe my sweet Sophia Rose has turned one year old! As of February 3rd, 2021 I have a baby who has blessed my life for an entire year. What a journey it has been. I want to share some of the things I learned from her about motherhood, being a wife, God, and even myself in the time that has lapsed. In this blog, I want to share with you three things I have learned. I’ve learned dozens of things maybe I will write a book someday, but for now let’s just discuss these three.
The first lesson I have learned in my entire year of being a mother is that babies need time to adjust to being babies, but mothers need time to adjust to being mothers. Oh, this is an ongoing lesson for me. I has this expectation that everything would be back to “normal” by month three or so. Honey, it’s month twelve and still not back to “normal”! I had to learn to take the pressure off myself to return to how life was before her. Newsflash: it will never be how it was before her. A baby is supposed to have changed everything! I realized part of the reason my mental health was slightly deteriorating for a brief stint of time as I dealt with postpartum depression, was because I had this self-inflicted pressure to get back to my regular lifestyle, body, and habits. I had let the timeline I saw for other moms be the standard for my timeline; and you really shouldn’t do that. There is no one set timeline, especially as you adjust to your body shrinking back down to not having a pregnant belly and healing regardless of whether or not you delivered vaginally or by a cesarean surgery. (Speaking of that, if you’ve delivered by cesarean you are a hero to me. That is a major surgery and it is not easy but you did it.) Once I settled in my heart and mind that this is how it will be for a while, things got easier for me. Mom, give yourself grace and room. Things are different from when you were just a wife, or just a woman without a baby. Now you’ve added another person with needs and feelings into the mix. You’ll need time to adjust to having that be a major factor in your daily life. Give yourself time. There is no reward for fastest mom to return to her pre-pregnancy weight, her routines, her lifestyle, or her overall physical appearance. There are 365 days in a year. Allow yourself all of those days to adjust to the changes you and baby are going through.
The second lesson I learned within the first year is that no matter what happens, this child will still yearn for me, and something in me will yearn for her. This is the nature of unconditional love between a parent and child. This is the nature of the relationship between God and His children when we are really walking with Him. Whew, girl. This was life changing revelation right here. I can remember one day when Sophia just cried on and off the whole day. THE WHOLE DAY. I was exhausted by the time my husband finished working and was able to take over. I had attended to her, and let her sleep in my arms/on my chest the entire day. By the time he arrived, I was wiped out. But then, something so strange happened. When he went to take over, my brain just shifted gears and this wave of tenderness and wanting to hold and cuddle her came over me. I did not want him to take over. I got a sudden surge of energy and was able to sit and play with her. It was as if the hard day we just had never existed. Something in me couldn’t let her go out of my sight and she cuddled with me, and played, and was much more calm. I looked online to see if this had ever happened to any other moms so I wouldn’t feel completely crazy, but I didn’t find much on it. Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me and reminded me of what unconditional love is like. Whatever has happened doesn’t matter when someone unconditionally loves another person. That’s how God loves me as His child. The word of God says in Romans 8:38 “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” (NLT). This scripture came alive to me and I had a greater love and gratitude for God’s unconditional love for me. The same way I still yearned for my child and delighted in her despite how difficult of a time she was giving me that day, is the same way God delights in me; and in you. No matter what He delights in you as His child.
The third and final lesson I want to share with you that I learned is that I cannot neglect my husband or myself just because I am mom. This one has so many parts to it but I will keep it simple. I had to learn that because 85% of my attention goes to the baby now, the other 15% must go into self care, but more importantly to caring for my husband; without excuses as to why I am neglecting these two areas. Especially my husband. He still has needs, too. I was his wife first. He still has sexual, emotional, and spiritual needs that can not be neglected just because I am tired, I don’t feel attractive enough for sexual intimacy, or because I am too drained to make time for the things I am supposed to attend to for him. These are valid areas of adjustments and concerns, but not valid excuses. How did I learn to combat tiredness, loss of sex drive, and even willingness to pray for him? I looked and evaluated where my energy was going and recalibrated. For me this meant looking at my habits like what I am eating, and how much time I spent awake scrolling on social media while the baby was sleeping. That time scrolling is time I could be resting too, so that when it is time to be intimate with my husband “I’m tired” was no longer the case. What I was eating affected me a lot too and I recently transitioned to pescatarian eating. For me, I did not have extreme pain when trying to be sexually intimate again, but I have heard of that happening to some wives. If that is your scenario, please talk with your doctor. That’s 1000% a real reason to not be able to have sex for quite some time. But it was not my reason. My reason was ‘me’. Instead of watching Law and Order when I have downtime while the baby is engaged in independent play, I could be reading or doing some study/prayer time as I am working around the house. I realized I had time; I just wasn’t allocating it efficiently. These are just examples, but you will have figure out how to ensure your husband isn’t neglected but also; how to ensure you do not neglect yourself. Self care is so important. For me, I carve out time to get my hair and nails done periodically as that is self care for me. Neglect of any kind is never productive. Including neglect of yourself. When is the last time you did something for you? It is not a sin to do something that attend to your mental health or helps you take a breather. You’ll find your rhythm with caring for all of those in your home but it will require intentionality and honest assessment on your end.
I pray this little blog post was insightful and helped shed light into what our first year was like. I pray that your first year, and all the years to come with your beautiful little blessings are wonderful, purpose filled, and remind you of how God delights in you. Leave me a comment in the comments section and let me know your thoughts on this post. Love, Adara.
