3 tips for a breakthrough after a breakup

Breaking up is so hard to do. Literally. There is so much more to it than saying “it’s over”, or hearing it for that matter. Once a breakup occurs, often times the person(s) who have deeply invested themselves into the relationship now find themselves unsure how to pick up the pieces. A failed relationship is like a beautiful expensive, crystal glass that was dropped from 3 feet in the air. The glass shatters loudly and quickly. There are pieces everywhere from what was once something so beautiful, something invested in, and pleasing to see. The shattered glass has to be removed from the floor otherwise you, and others could be hurt. The shattered glass is a hazard to anyone who touches it as long as it is there and not disposed of. A failed relationship is the same. A failed relationship is a hazard to all those who refuse to acknowledge its failure to continue, and anyone who quickly tries to “clean up” the mess made without being careful. The same way you could cut your hand if you don’t use a glove on your hand, a broom, or some sort of barrier is the same way you could be hurt even more by trying to quickly get past the breakup. Without taking careful care of yourself in mind, body, and spirit in the days following the split, you could potentially hurt yourself even more. I want to share with you (3) tips that may seem simple but they are in fact very complex and probably won’t happen right away. What I do know is this: all, or at the very least one of these is a START to picking up the shattered glass and not cutting your hand trying to repair what cannot be repaired.

The first practical tip that I want to share is the concept of detoxing from memories. Sentimental feelings are your arch enemy when it comes to trying to move on and start over. Thus, I highly recommend cleaning out your phone of old photos, memories, videos, screenshots; anything that could potentially trigger your memories of the relationship. This also means detoxing your social media of all these things as well; shared photos included. It is going to be tough, but it is needed. The last thing you need are constant reminders that this relationship was good and now it’s gone. As you are detoxing your social media and your phone, beware of social media accounts–including mutual friends and followers that trigger memories. Mute, unfollow, restrict as you need to so that you do not have to see or read, or view anything that triggers or reminds you of your previous relationship. Again, this may take you some time to do…and that’s totally okay.

The next thing I highly recommend is fasting. Now fasting can be fasting from food, refraining from tv or social media, or drawing back on social gatherings (which we probably should still be doing anyways with COVID19) but you will have to pray and meditate on what your specific fast might be. Fasting is an incredible way to spiritually ‘reset’ and recharge. After all, to be honest… a breakup has a way of draining you. Some manifestations of being spiritually drained might be lack of sleep or on the opposite, too much sleep (fatigue), crying for long periods of time, lack of eating, or on the opposite end too much eating, inability to think, pray, read your bible, or focus, etc. All of these point to physical implications indeed without question, but since we are spirit beings housed in earthly bodies, it is my belief we should address our issues from the inside out. Too many times we neglect the spiritual aspect of what we experience in our natural bodies. Now, before I go further, let me notate that I believe in depression, and I believe painful experiences like breakups can trigger or lead to depression. BUT, I also believe that when our souls are cast down, when our hearts are heavy, when we feel at our lowest, we ought to run to God first, not last. Thus, I wanted to interject a point here that counseling might very well be a great choice and supplement to this notion of fasting. There is nothing wrong with getting counseling whether it is from a psychotherapist or a pastor. I would recommend whatever the professional you begin treatment with is competent and a Christian, if you are a Christian as well. Now, getting back to fasting, if you are without appetite then a food fast may not be for you, but a social media or tv fast might be. A fast from secular music or movies or streaming might be. Ask the Lord to reveal to you what fast you should embark on and for how long. Is this an instant fix? Absolutely not. And you should not expect it to be. This should be more about God speaking to your heart, which will allow you to better address your physical, mental, and emotional state at the level of your need.

The third and my absolute favorite tip is journaling. Journaling is everything. A journal is a friend who will never tell or judge you in your thoughts. What I also love about journaling, is that it provides a therapeutic release. Being able to write out in your words, unfiltered, raw, and honest is so helpful. Journaling can also be a form of writing your prayers too. Yes, prayer journaling after a breakup is so impactful. I journaled to my now-husband, (before we even knew each other) when he was still just a desire. I journaled about the heartbreak I experienced before he came in the picture and chronicled everything I felt from the moment the heartbreak happened. One particular journal I kept was a ‘Dear Future Husband Journal’ which I presented to him on our wedding day. I poured my soul into those pages and held nothing back. Good, bad, ugly, happy, etc., it was in that journal, and guess what? He loved it. Journaling was a way to write down and get out all my frustrations, hurts, desires, dreams, etc without having to worry about anyone else’s judgment or thoughts toward what I said. It also helped me process what went wrong in my relationships, what I did to contribute to the relationships not working, what I wanted to be different out of my future relationship, and what God spoke to my heart. I know, that’s a lot happening but it’s true. And it happened when? Over time. I journaled for years and finally presented it to my husband on our wedding day. You don’t have to keep a journal that you will share with anyone else including a future husband or partner. That’s just what I did. Do not feel obligated to do the same. Journal for you. Start that healing process for you. However, if you feel so inspired to keep a journal you could write to your future partner/spouse, I took the concept of my old journal and turned it into one other women could use. It has prompts and a letter from me to you in the front. You can get it here but don’t feel like you have to. Remember, write to you first.

I pray that these little tips are helpful. Breakups are hard and require a lot of care and processing to get through. Broken hearts are real and they really hurt. One thing to remember is no matter who leaves, God doesn’t. He loves you now, and always will. Psalm 34:18 ESV says “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” God is close, even if you cannot feel Him right at this moment. He is with you and He is for you. Take it one second at a time–forget about taking it one day at a time because days are long. Take your time and remember, God redeems time. He will bring you over this and one day, you will be over this. Love, Adara