My journey of motherhood has been one of peaks and valleys. For the past two years, there have been some really good days, but also some really hard days. Through it all, I have learned how to lean on God and how to practically apply the biggest lessons I have learned so far. There have been many lessons in which being a mama has taught me, but this one I share in this blog post has been the one with the most impact; especially since moving into the toddler stage. I pray this resonates with and encourages you.
Perhaps the biggest lesson I have learned in the last two years can be summarized in this thought: you are not parenting you, you are parenting a completely different person than you; so for that reason alone have patience and extend grace. This one has been a repeat lesson/theme for me especially in the last six months. Sophia just turned two years old on February 3rd, and some days I don’t know if she is two or twenty two. Her personality is emerging bigger and bigger, and if I am honest, sometimes it is overwhelming because she is so different than me. Let me give you an example: I quickly learned that unlike me, my daughter is not the dainty, play with dolls, look pretty kind of little girl I was when I was her age. Maybe she will grow to be this way, but she is certainly not like that now. She is an active little girl. I am talking about the kind of active little girl who likes dirt, and is not afraid of it. You can imagine how shocked I was when we took her to the beach for the first time over the summer, and homegirl scooped up a fist full of grimy, wet, dirty sand and shoved it into her mouth! I think I nearly passed out right there. My first reaction was to reprimand her, saying “Sophia no! Dirty! No eating.” But then, God began to talk to me and I realized “Adara she is not you.” I began to think to myself “She is not you. You don’t like dirt and sand too much but obviously she does.” I thought about the times we would take her to the park and she would explore by grabbing grass and trying to smell it or eat it, or simply sit or place her face to the ground. I began to think through the patterns I was noticing and it finally clicked. She is not the girly girl I was/ I am and I cannot parent her as if she is. I had to learn how to parent her as the girl SHE is. She is an earthy, outdoorsy, get dirty with no remorse little girl. AND THAT IS OKAY. Applying this concept to the overall style of my parenting has been life changing for me.
I began to reorient my responses when she would do something to be less geared toward “correcting” her if she does something opposite of what I would do, and more toward understanding and encouraging her. Since my girl loves outdoors and textures, I started increasing her exposure to different vegetables, fruits, and plants. She obviously loves to use her taste buds, and so I started letting her try more variety of veggies, playing with the textures of them while eating, and even trying to make little games out of it. Most repeated behavior in toddlers is an indicator of how they learn and explore, but behavior also clues you in on their interests. Unlike me, Sophia does not like dolls. She prefers blocks, legos, things that have wheels and pulleys, and things that spin. At first I was sad when she wouldn’t go for a doll to play, but I realized nothing is wrong with her selections–the problem is my expectation. I have learned to let go of my expectations of her, and let her just flourish and grow. Maybe one day she will grow to like dolls and want to play with them. Maybe she won’t. Either way it’s perfectly fine, plus I have another daughter coming so maybe she will like dolls. Either way, when children are developing, there is no right or wrong way to develop. Every child is different and they all learn, explore, and experience differently. Lose the expectation for a child to do things a “certain way” when it comes to their personality. Of course, their safety and well-being are paramount, so if they are showing signs of unsafe behavior as the parent you have to redirect them. However, if they are safe, all is well and you should try to enjoy watching their little awesome traits emerge. These years are so precious and they really just fly by. Enjoy these moments, because one day they will be just memories.