Finding your rhythm after a new baby

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! Maybe this is your first one, or maybe this is your fourth one. A celebration is in order because birth is monumental. Now that the ‘high’ of birth is over and you’re settling into your new normal, it can be pretty tough to adjust and feel like you have it together. In this blog post I will share how I found my rhythm with two small children two and a half years apart from each other.

Saige, my youngest daughter is now 9 months old and I cannot even fathom her being that age. The time has flown by, but getting back to finding my rhythm has absolutely taken that long in some ways. Having had a child previously (Sophia, age 3), I kind of knew some of what to expect; but as the saying goes: every child and every pregnancy is different. Although my physical healing was relatively shorter this time around, healing in other areas took significantly longer. Perhaps the longest part of the road to finding my rhythm after my new baby has been learning how to practically balance the parts of life that existed before this baby, while still catering to the baby.

Before Saige, there was Sophia. Before Sophia, there was my husband, D.A. The biggest adjustment for me has been learning how to balance my care for each of these three individuals without neglecting the others. In the beginning, it was tough for me. Not because anyone was demanding. Well, actually…a newborn and a three year old are quite demanding, but not intentionally. They are babies. My husband has not been demanding either. The demand had been perceived, and thus so was the pressure. I put so much unnecessary pressure on myself in my mind because I thought I had to be everything to everyone all at once. It is impossible. I learned that very quickly. It wasn’t until I realized I cannot do it all and started to ask for help or outsource help that I found myself feeling more regulated, together, and having some sense of rhythm being established. You cannot do it all, mom. I know you feel like you should be able to, but that is impossible. Put your pride down to ask for the help. Accept the meals from others you trust and knowhow to cook. Allow those you trust to watch the child(ren) so you can rest or catch up on other things. Send the laundry out. Hire a short term housekeeper. Hire a babysitter or nanny to just be present in the home with you as an extra set of hands. And above all: be vocal. To anyone and everyone. Express when you feel overwhelmed and want to delegate some of the things on your plate. There is no shame in that.

Just like there is no shame in asking for help, there is also no shame in wanting help but not even being to articulate what would be helpful. A huge reason mothers suffer silently is because of the stigma surrounding maternal mental health. Mothers continue to be expected to just champion through the ups and downs of motherhood on the premise that “it’s always been done before”. The problem with this mindset is simple: times have changed. It is more difficult than it has ever been to be a parent, but also more rewarding for those that find their way. Social stigma continues to be the leading reason so many mothers battle privately, and unfortunately some lose their battles to drugs, alcohol, addiction, and even tragic loss of life prematurely. Understanding maternal mental health, and what that means for me has been a large portion of the reason why I am able to navigate motherhood in a healthy context. I am not talking about just knowing if you have “baby blues”. Baby blues are the fluctuating feelings that come with labor and delivery and early postpartum. Most women experience baby blues in some capacity. However, for a vast amount of women it goes deeper than the baby blues. It did for me. I struggled for months with postpartum depression (PPD), insomnia, and some anxiety. I am talking about deep sadness and/or anxiousness that leads to tears, shortness of breath, dizziness etc., for sometimes no real reason at all. Talking to a professional therapist and remaining under doctors care made all the difference this time with Saige. I was regularly screened, down to each and every wellness appointment she had. While I never thought about harming myself or my children, I did wrestle with thoughts about something happening to me and I no longer am here to see them. Recently I have been battling those intrusive thoughts briefly again; and that leads me to conclude postpartum isn’t quite over for me like I thought it was. It can take up to a year or even eighteen months for PPD/PPA to lift. What has been most helpful has been my commitment to being vocal and honest with everyone in my life in real time about these thoughts and feelings. As a Christian, I believe the power of prayer. I believe Jesus’ saves and heals. I believe in fasting. However, I also believe that mental health is real and when women bring forth new life, it is one of the most difficult times to navigate adverse mental health. I believe it is the challenging on this magnitude because of the hormones and extreme (and prolonged) bodily changes that have just ensued. My decision to steward my mental health on an ongoing basis, has never been wrong. There is absolutely no shame in you doing the same. There is no shame in taking medication or being under the care of a licensed mental health care provider until your mental wellbeing is in a better place.

In recent times, mothers have been getting gifts after having a safe delivery of their new babies. It’s a growing trend called a “push gift”. Whether or not it was a vaginal or c-section birth, mommies have been bestowed lavish and loving gifts from new cars, to new designer bags, spa treatments and everything in between. I think that is a nice idea for those who can afford to do so, but when I sat and pondered this I wondered: what gift are the actual mothers giving themselves? I wondered if mothers of new babies were giving themselves grace and ample time to adjust. Your gift to yourself ought to be to give yourself a continued amount of patience, grace, and gentleness as you navigate your new normal. As women in general, some of the most unkind words we will ever hear come from ourselves. We are our own worst critics. Noone will know (or care!) whether or not you’ve found a routine for your kids right away. It really doesn’t matter whether ot not you get back down to your pre-pregnancy weight. These things are nice to do, but not NEEDED in order to be a great mom or to successfully raise children. Setting realistic expectations is really paramount in this. Give yourself grace as you work to meet those realistic expectations. What were some practical expectations I set for myself which I knew I could meet? They were simple. I aimed to shower daily, to cultivate basic hygiene, and to make sure I ate. Those things seem elementary, or like “duh”, but I promise, time goes faster than the speed of light some days. Then, before you know it, the time is now 8pm and you have not eaten or showered for the day. Don’t let social media or social pressures have you thinking you need to lose all your baby weight within two weeks, that you have to be back ready to do all the things, or that something is wrong with you for not being motivated 24/7. Now, I will say don’t let these things become a crutch or excuse as to why you stop caring about tending to yourself. But ultimately, you know when you have neglected yourself and that is not ideal either. Focus on your present reality, not the standards or opinions of others outside of that reality.

Lastly, I probably don’t need to tell you this but I will say it anyways: you need something you can go to that exists outside of you being a wife or mom. What are your hobbies? What things are you interested in learning? This is the perfect time to cultivate a new hobby or rekindle an old one. This is especially important because you will have downtime here and there, and you shouldn’t spend it on things for the children. Downtime (in some capacity) should be for you. I decided to take up self-taught sewing as my new hobby. It also served and continues to serve as a creative outlet to assist with navigating postpartum. Signing up for self-led classes gave me something to look forward to do doing, and gave me a sense of leisure outside of the roles I fulfill. What are the hobbies you have? What is something you have wanted to learn to do? This is a great time to take that up again, or take it up to begin.

Remember this, your children deserve a mother who is present, not perfect.

Adara Sherron