Some of the most exciting times of my life thus far were the days leading up to my wedding day. Without a doubt, I was so excited to be marrying the love of my life and my best friend. However, there was so much that needed to be done; and I am not talking about wedding preparations. Although I had been preparing long before my now husband came into the picture, once we were engaged, I realized there were more things to be done in order for me to be ready for our marriage. I want to share three of those things with you here. Marriage is ‘for better or worse’ and these three things helped me prepare for the ‘better’ days as well as the ‘worse’ days.
As a bride, we spend so much time planning for this ONE day that goes just as fast as it comes. I remember all the planning and preparation and when the DJ called for the last song of the night I was like ‘ Wait, what?! It’s all over?! What do we do now?! Where do we go now?!’ The answer was simple: we go about our lives because after the aisle comes ‘life together’…if you are ready. The three things that helped me practically prepare for my marriage the most were: the implementation of a daily segment of prayer specifically for my marriage, changing the things I watched/read concerning marriage, and of course, premarital counseling. In the long run, out of everything, this is what has helped me the most. We are almost three years married so I kind of think it worked. *winks*
Praying for my marriage and my husband daily as part of my prayer routine has helped me with better dying to my flesh, communicating, and warring in the spirit. Praying over him and for him even before we got married taught me how to pray past my feelings and pray whether or not we had a great day or a not-so-great day. As a daily practice, I would pray for him (and us) because spiritual warfare surrounding coming together in holy matrimony is so real. Do not think for one second that if you are two sold-out disciples of Christ you’ll just meet at the altar without some sort of challenge. Not happening. There will be something to force you to your knees. For us, it was the fact that many people turned their backs to us and acted very jealous of the favor we had. It was so hurtful, but it forced me into my prayer closet every day during our courtship. Money was not the issue, as, in the end, we came out of our wedding debt-free (I will have to speak on that in another post) for us the issue was losing friends and meeting foes in what should have been the happiest times for everyone all around. It was in this adversity I learned how to really cover myself, my marriage, and my now husband in prayer. It was here that I learned how to seek God for clarity on who was a supporter and who was a sabotager. I can 100% attest that the daily knee appointment I started even before becoming a wife has been very beneficial.
Praying specifically over our marriage has also helped me better communicate with my husband. There is something to be said about what happens when you go to God first, instead of approaching the person you have an issue with. Praying over my marriage daily has helped me better articulate and avoid arguments. The Holy Spirit will give you exactly what to say, and not say when you approach Him first before approaching your husband. I wholeheartedly believe our first year of marriage, (and truthfully all our years so far) have been so peaceful because of the prayer life I built even before going into it, and the fact I learned how to better communicate with my significant other when I learned how to better communicate with my Savior.
But most importantly, prayer helped me die to my flesh and intercede for this man unconditionally no matter if he has made me feel happy, sad, hurt, mad or anything else. Your relationship is solid when you pray for the other person no matter what; on good terms or not. No matter how he has made me feel at the end of each day it is my duty to pray for him and for our marriage so I do. No matter what my flesh wants, my spirit submits and because of it, we are able to function together. No matter what he does – or does not do, I have peace with God and God deals with him if ever it is needed. Implementing this while we were still courting and we weren’t yet married has proven to have been great.
The next thing to practically prepare me and sustain me for marriage was changing the things I read and watched about marriage. For me, that meant unfollowing couples who were not saved and changing the blogs I read. I realized that I was subtly being influenced and if I wanted to have a godly marriage then I had better be under godly influences only. It was a challenge to my flesh initially because I thought it was innocent posts on social media until the Lord began to deal with me about examining beyond the surface level. What could I learn about being a godly wife from someone who doesn’t believe in God? What could I learn about honoring my husband from someone who uploads sexy pictures of herself despite her husband’s requests not to? I decided to unfollow so many influencers and celebrities and I am glad I did. I realized that following marriages that were rocky wasn’t going to be good for me as I was building a foundation. Whether we like it or not, we are all influenced by something and someone no matter how much we try not to be.
Since I would not be spending time on the social media accounts of celebrities anymore I had to find something else to draw inspiration from other than the Word. As an avid reader, books are always exciting to me but marriage books had become sort of second nature. I needed a ‘revamp’ in the kind of material I was reading about marriage. The two books that revolutionized our courtship and to this very day have influenced my marriage are ” Sacred Marriage: What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than make us happy?” by Gary Thomas and ” The meaning of marriage” by Timothy Keller. Both of these books challenged my understanding of “godly marriage” and made me shed some of the worldly philosophies I housed about marriage. Kingdom marriages are built on kingdom principles. Both of these books greatly helped me and I highly recommend them to any person who wants their marriage to last.
Last but certainly not least, the best thing we could have ever done was sign up for premarital counseling. I do not regret sitting down with a neutral party/ Christian counselor to discuss EVERYTHING. I truly believe that MOST couples who go through legitimate premarital counseling have a better chance of being able to work through issues as they arise. I also believe that premarital counseling sometimes saves people who should not be married [to each other] from mistakenly marrying [each other].
The right Christian premarital counseling will address all issues from spiritual beliefs, money, sex, parenting, ministry, grief, emotions, and anything else you can think of. I believe and truly back the notion that its a must for every couple seriously considering getting married. You would be surprised what ‘comes out’ when two people have a mediator and do not feel judged. People often feel more compelled and comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings in a safe space they know they will not be ridiculed, judged or made to feel guilty over what they have to say. Christian Counseling is that safe space when you hire a competent counselor who actually cares about souls and the kingdom of God.
For us, premarital counseling was a God- thing! We both laid it all out on the table. We shared the things we were looking forward to in each other, but also what we were apprehensive about. This was where I learned to listen to D.A.’s (my hubby) heart and lean into what was the underlying issue in what he raised as his concerns. The most vivid example I remember of this was during one of our sessions and he brought up how he felt a little overwhelmed by my lingering anxiety over my previous ‘almost engagement’ at twenty-one years old. He shared with me, and I will never forget this: “ADARA I AM NOT HIM AND THIS IS NOT THAT!”. He explained how deeply it troubled him that in the back of my mind I was anxious that the engagement would break off because he had no intention of letting that happen. Thus, he couldn’t understand where it was coming from. The underlying concern was a lack of total trust to the man who proposed to me and had come all this way with me! Talk about being crazy. It was here that I learned to finally and fully not make him pay for any offenses of previous relationships and to truly let go. This issue came up in a safe place where we both got to hear and be heard. I still to this day think back and reflect on that conversation whenever the enemy tries to whisper seeds of doubt on whether my husband still is attracted to me now that I have physically changed a little bit. I think back and remember this relationship is nothing like that of my past. Having confronted the issue in premarital counseling, I am able to confront any little hints of it that try to creep up on me.
So you see, preparing for marriage doesn’t have to be complex, it just has to be genuine and have a purpose. These were things that greatly served me and I pray that the same holds true for you if you choose to embark on such a journey of marriage. There is no magical formula for marriage and I do not want to ever lead anyone astray into thinking there is. There is, however, a greater chance that a marriage will last when it is built on a solid foundation.
This was a great read. Thank you for your openness
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Thank you for reading, Grace! God bless you!
I love this❤️ Thank you adara.
All the way from SA & I’m reading this. May the Lord increase you🙌🏽.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post! It gives more hope and insight to those of us who desire marriage and not just a wedding. It felt like talking to a friend or big sis. Thank you Adara!
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Hey girlfriend! Thank you so much for taking the time to read! Hugs! xo, Adara
This is so much AMAZING thank you for your willingness to share
Thank you for this blog! Most of what you wrote is very crucial for any relationship to work
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Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Blessings to you!
Very good read! Thank you for sharing!
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Thanks so much! Blessings to you!
This was so inspiring. I recently got engaged and I wasn’t ready but God still blessed me with an amazing fiancé. I don’t want to mess this blessing up. Thank you for sharing how your journey into wedding preparation.
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Congratulations to you!!!!!!! May God bless your marriage. Xo, Adara
Tears came to my eyes while reading. My boyfriend and I are courting but at times I see myself self sabotaging. I don’t always feel worthy and instead of lashing out at him or venting to other people I need to PRAY. Pray for guidance and the words to say. Thank you so much for posting
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Self-assessment is always in order. All shall be well. Pray over it and pray through it. Hugs!
Hello Adara,
Thank you for this post. And beyond speaking to soon to be wives, it speaks more to married women. I have learnt from this post on how to speak with the Holy spirit before speaking with my husband because sometimes my feelings may not align with God.
Thank you once again. Please stay safe while taking care of Bishop and baby Soteria.
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Thanks so much! Sending love and blessings to you as well.
Great post! I too, enjoyed reading this. Question, as a wife which book would you recommend I read first?
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I suggest the meaning of marriage first. xo, Adara
This was so beautiful ❤️ Writing them down and will do them. So grateful for you you Sis. Love from all the way in South Africa ❤️
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thanks so much for reading! Hugs!
I’m currently engaged and this was much needed. Thanks so much, Adara!
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Praise God! Congrats to you!!
This was such a great read! Thank you for sharing your godly wisdom and insight about marriage and everything else in between.
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God bless you!!!!
Beautifully written and well informed! 💜
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God bless you!!!!
I love this so much! I am not married yet, but I’ve been consistently amazed at how you carry yourself, your humor and how openly you glorify God online!
I have a question- did your church offer pre-marital counselling or did you have to find a Christian counselor for that? Also, how different is a counselor from a therapist?
Thank you so much!
Author
My husband and I used a third party who was not connected to his ministry or my father’s ministry since I am a Pastor’s kid. To answer you: A therapist deals more with cognitive, mental, and behavioral needs. Counselors often deal more with emotional, spiritual, relational needs.
xo, Adara
I’m happy to make my way over to this blog. Just ordered my Gary Thomas book as recommended. You’re right, there are underlying issues we need to treat. I have trust issues and I’m praying to God to truly help me regarding it. Thank you for this post!
Author
Awesome!!!!! Let me know what you think of it.
I really enjoyed this blog and thank you for your honesty and transparency as always. Is there any online counseling websites for premarital counseling that you know of??
Author
You can try to google it but actually sitting with a counselor as much as you can is the best bet when first starting out.
Ooooohhhh thank you sooo much. I am french girl but your english is easy to read.
And your advice means so much to me. I start praying for my futur husband even if i am single .
I will check on your books in english version i think 😊
In France we don’t have premarital counseling i think I will look for a couple with good testimony.
Thanks stay blessed.
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Hi !! And thank you so much for reading! I love France!
I enjoyed this read. Such a beautiful love story and I admire that you’re an avid reader. I want to work on that as well. God bless you 💕
Very insightful Adara! Thank you for your transparency & for sharing.
This was such a great read and I admire you so much! Ordered my sticky notes from Walmart prayer wall loading lol. So many gems you drop daily, I appreciate you and may god continue blessing you abundantly! ❤️
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Awesome!!! Pray! Pray! Pray ! Hugs and love!
Such a wonderful read.
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Thank you so much! God bless you sis!
Hi, Adara! What do you recommend to deal with sexual sin? I’ve realized that I’m still tied to men that are now in my past. I want to detach and move forward (emotionally, spiritually, mentally) now in my singleness in preparation for meeting my future husband. Thank you and God bless!
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Sexual sin requires repentance, fasting and boundaries being established so that you do not fall into it again. I will be praying that God strengthens your resolve as you pursue this area of holiness. God bless you
Beautiful read. I just ordered the two books you recommended. Grace be multiplied in your life even as you allow yourself to be a vessel of honor for his glory ma’am.
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Yay! Happy reading!! God bless!
This was so good, Woman of God! May God bless you.
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Blessings, favor and more life to you Sis! Thank you for reading.
Great read,thanks Adara
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Thank you so much for reading!
So glad that I was directed to your blog, it blessed me and helped me with some of my own anxieties. Thank you for sharing a piece of you.m and thank you for giving jewels of wisdom.
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So glad this blessed and helped you. God bless you!
Awesome read..l have learnt alot.
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Thanks so much! God bless you Jacky.
Hi Adara!
Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me realize I am on track regarding the second point but I need to be more deliberate about the first one.
God bless you for blessing us!
Author
Amazing! Keep going and keep God first in it all. Hugs!
Thank you Adara, I am not married yet, not even engaged but I believe God sent you to me. Following you has been great. I read this entire blog with a jotter and a pen lol, I was able to put down a lot and I am happy. Premarital counseling? I have never thought of that, this is a real eye opener. Thank you so much. God bless you, Pastor and Sophia Rose continually.
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Thanks so much for taking a few moments to read! God bless you!
Thank you, Adara, for this post. It brings some very practical points which are often not talked about when it comes to marriage preparation. May God bless you, your family and your ministry. Sending love all the way from Zimbabwe xo
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Sending love back! Thanks for reading!
Amazing read! I recently finished reading ‘Sacred Marriage’ because you recommended it and it has truly blessed me. Thank you for always sharing and encouraging us. Have been married for almost 6 years and the book has given me hope for the first time. May the good Lord continue to bless you and use you in the Kingdom.
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Wow, praise God! God bless you and your family.
Hello dear, thank you for sharing this. I have always wanted to understand life post the big day. I love how its so well explained. God bless you and may your marriage be forver under God’s protection.
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thank you so much for taking the time to read it. XO
I love how transparently you poured out your heart in this post! The prayer point totally had me! Definitely going to apply all 3 in my relationship 🥰
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Thank you so much! I pray blessings and favor on your relationship!
Thank you for sharing. Very beautiful and inspiring as well as informative. May the blessings and favor of God continually be upon your marriage.
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God bless you Casaundra! Thank you for your blessings and for reading. Xo, Adara
Thank you for sharing… I’m patiently waiting on God and praying for my own man… I’m encouraged to keep praying over him and my marriage even though we haven’t met. God bless you Adara.
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That is great! May God bless you!
So much needed. Beautiful message. Thanks Pastor Adara .I so much relate with some things you have shared.
What a wonderful God we serve! Thank you for opening up and sharing xoxo.