Exposing and countering the ways in which single women are exploited, deceived, and hurt while waiting for marriage

It is no secret that one of the things many women desire more than anything else is to be loved, cared for, and to render love and care to a family. For Christian women, this is especially often a burning desire because we know ONE of the ways the Kingdom of God is furthered, and a way we display the love of God is through the creation and cultivation of Godly families. God commanded us to ‘be fruitful and multiply’ (Genesis 1:28) and this has several ways it unfolds in the natural as well as spiritual. For many Christian women, this ideally means a husband and [then] children. This desire in itself is not problematic. I believe when God places that desire in your heart, and you desire it for His glory, it is of the right intention. What becomes problematic is when this desire (like any other desire) becomes compulsive, obsessive, and in some ways idolatrous. It becomes an issue when you want a godly marriage and family more than you want God. Not only do you run the risk of becoming obsessively idolatrous over marriage, but you are now also vulnerable to the ways people prey on the emotions and desires of single women. These days, men (and women) have become skilled tacticians at playing to the feelings and yearnings of single women. The church is one place sadly, women of God are not exempt from schemes and plots designed to tug on the emotional strings of their hearts. I want to share with you the five most common ways single women are often exploited, deceived, and hurt while waiting for marriage. It is my hope and prayer this blog uncovers and sheds light on to some of the things designed to emotionally entrap singles, and that this blog also gives you tools on how to avoid those traps.

The biggest and I mean the biggest way women are deceived and exploited is through “the prophecy”. I am talking about the generic, cookie-cutter ones as well as the ones that a person is able to speak based on what they’ve seen on your social media or sense about you. The first thing we need to establish here is that any and every prophet can ONLY PROPHESY IN PART- not in total. No prophet can see your end from your beginning. This is why it is important to know God’s voice for yourself. Additionally, prophecy should confirm what God has already dealt with, revealed, or led you to in some way shape, or another. So many women hang on to ‘prophets’ who are really in it for profits. Yes, I said that. While I do believe there are men and women of God who actually do see things in the spirit and can utter prophecy about other people’s spouses; I do also believe there are frauds. I believe it because I have seen it in action. For example, I have seen men falsely prophesy to play to the emotions of vulnerable women. I have also seen women falsely prophesy trying to sabotage another sister out of jealousy and bitterness over how their own romantic lives have played out. These are real scenarios and happen more than you think. How do you guard yourself against the Prophet who is out for Profit? By not spilling all the things you desire in a spouse all over your social media, by trying the spirit by The Spirit (seek God to confirm every prophetic worded rendered to you) and remember that just as much as God knows you want a husband…Satan knows that, too.

Next up, is a tactic that can be tricky. Sometimes, ‘spiritual leaders’, pastors, and ‘coverings’ can deceive and exploit single women. This is manipulation and yes, that is witchcraft, my friends. The reason why I say this one is tricky is because there is a very thin, but bold line between shepherding and manipulating the sheep. As a pastor, covering, leader…whatever you want to call it; we (I am a pastor) are not the ultimate authority in people’s lives. GOD IS. NO PASTOR should conduct themselves as if they are the ultimate voice in your life. EVERY PASTOR should encourage you and push you to seek God for yourself and not rely on him/her to hear from God; especially about your spouse. It is very important to know and see the signs of whether or not you are in a manipulative leadership situation. There are a few scenarios in terms of how this can look. For example, I have seen a woman tricked into marrying a man because a pastor or leader said that man was supposed to be her husband. That young lady never consulted God for herself, she took her pastor at his every word and blindly followed ‘because he was the pastor and a man of God’. That same young lady got married to an abuser, endured severe abuse within the marriage, is now divorced, and left Christianity/organized religion altogether. Do you now see the severity of this? Am I encouraging you not to honor, respect, and listen to your leader/covering? Absolutely not. Am I telling you to take everything he or she says to God in prayer for yourself and be aware if something doesn’t feel right or line up with God’s word? Absolutely. Additionally, it is imporant not to get swept up into being persuaded against a decision just because a ‘covering’ told you to. I have seen that happen too. I know a young lady right now who is devastated by the fact she let a really great man of God go because she blindly accepted her former pastor’s assessment that this gentleman was not good enough to be her husband because he had some issues with the gentleman not wanting to join that particular church. THAT IS MANIPULATION AT ITS FINEST! It is up to a couple to decide where they will worship and fellowship once they are a married. Although it is my personal conviction that a wife should join her husband’s church where he fellowships, I realize and respect that every single situation does not allow for that. Again, that is just my personal conviction. And with that, I move into slippery tactic number 3. Personal convictions.

Personal convictions are the things God privately deals with a person about. They are direct instructions from God for a specific person. They do not apply to the general consensus of believers. While there are standards of holiness that are universal to all believers, there are some standards that the Holy Spirit will impress upon a person’s heart to help them and keep them from faltering, making tragic errors, getting hurt, etc. One of the ways single Christian women are exploited is that they are sold these ideas that are really other people’s personal convictions disguised and dressed up as biblical standards expressly stated in scripture. Let me tell you about my bout with this. Back in 2016, when D.A and I got engaged when did our engagement shoot in matching shirts and we shared a beautiful moment sealed with a kiss. The Christian community on social media dragged me. Well, they tried because as you can see I am still here and I never much cared for the court of public opinion. I am under an audience of One. The photo is below. This photo created an uproar because (gasp) we kissed and we were not married. How dare we!!!!

I can remember saying “Wait…what?!” as I sifted through comments, emails, and DMs about how I was in error, backslidden, a stumbling block, out of order, a Jezebel (completely ridiculous, out of context reference to Jezebel by the way) and more. Not only were we fully clothed, but our body parts also were not touching, we were not lewd or provocative, we were outside in public not in the bedroom…and this kiss was a peck. I got to the root of the pushback we received on social media, and it was because other Christians were imposing their convictions about kissing before marriage–not a standard of the Bible. NOWHERE in the Bible does it say you are forbidden to kiss before marriage. It does, however, tells us to avoid and forsake the very appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22) and it does instruct us to walk in sexual purity upright before the Lord, that the marriage bed is holy, and we are to flee from sexual immorality (Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 4:3-8, 1 Corinthians 6:18, Galatians 5:19-21. Colossians 3:5, 11 Thessalonians 4:3). Nothing about this photo was obscene, immoral, or even evil. It was here that I realized people nowadays hold on more to what other people say is right, more than what God says is right. Kissing or not kissing until marriage is determined by your own conviction from the Holy Spirit and as you can see I was not convicted. Four years later, we are three years married, with a baby, and BLESSED. Do not anyone’s standards become your own without God confirming that is His desire for you. I firmly believe there are people who superimpose these unrealistic expectations for relationships where believers are concerned, and it over-complicates dating and courting. Many single women are deceived into thinking if they don’t dress a certain way or do things a certain way then they won’t ever have a husband. Lies. Again, while there are standards like not having sex until marriage, or engaging in sexual immorality of any kind, it is important to know what the Bible directly says, as well as what it does not say. Examples of personal convictions: holding hands, kissing, vacationing together (I personally think it is okay when done in groups for accountability), etc. There are many more and I do not have time to delve into them at this moment. The important thing is to study The Book( The Bible) for yourself. That is the ONLY way you are not emotionally tricked into patterning yourself after any one person and thinking their way of doing something is the only way. Do not let other people’s personal convictions cause you to miss out on a great relationship that could possibly lead to your marriage.

Next up, we have “relationship experts” and relationship expertise. Womp, womp, womp. I truly, truly despise this one. This is one of the biggest scams since the inception of social media. Everyone is a guru these days. Now, while there are some legitimate relationship counselors, advocates, coaches, etc, there are that many more frauds. I am talking about people who pitch and sell you courses, books, videos, etc on how to attract a husband, how to be a perfect wife, how to get married in 90 days or less; things like that. I am not talking about those who genuinely want to see marriages and relationships flourish. I am talking about those who sell a story, a cookie-cutter formula, and even toss in a little scripture to appeal to your desire for marriage to align with the word of God. A scam is so easy to spot. Here are the signs: is whatever that is being pitched revolved around one person? Does it promise a certain result? Do you have to conform to one particular idealogy or standard? Is the credibility sketchy? Is the person’s lifestyle questionable? Is every other thing they post a sales pitch for a course or product? These are all telltale signs. Don’t get duped. These are the blaring red flags. The problem with a lot of the expertise out there is that it is biased and slanted toward one generic outcome and that it really isn’t rooted in the Gospel which is essential to the life of the believer. You should never have to follow any one particular ‘expert’s way in order to see a substantial success. That goes for anything in your life. Period.

Last but certainly not least, there’s the checklist. Oh, my sweet Jesus the dreaded checklist. What is the checklist, Adara? I am glad you asked. It is a laundry list of things single women must be before they are “prepared” for marriage. This list is never-ending and that is what keeps women believing they are not ready for marriage. This in turn keeps them running like little hampsters on a wheel, going nowhere fast. Womanhood, being a wife, and motherhood are not ‘one size fits all’ articles of clothing you put on. They are not courses you can take. Everyone’s lives and expressions of these things are different. Get rid of the checklist. You do not have to have every single area of your life figured out in order to seek the Lord about marriage if that is a desire of yours, and you know He placed that desire there. I can remember for a long time believing I was not ready to be a wife because I had credit card debt, and I did not believe I should bring it to my marriage. I had heard time and time again from married women and other singles that if your finances are not 100% in order you should not get married. So naturally, I believed this for my own life. This was a false assumption because my husband was prepared to help me with my debt. Everyone’s situations are different. Am I saying rack up thousands of dollars in debt and it’ll be okay because your spouse should be and will be willing to help you pay it off? No. I am not saying that. What I am saying, is do not feel inadequate if one or more areas of your life are not “figured out” or in “order”. If you cannot cook, do not lose your mind about it. If you want to learn, cool–attempt to. But, if you don’t learn how to cook five-star meals before you meet a spouse, it is not a huge deal. While I do believe there should be some disciplines in place in order for the marriage to not be strained, I do not believe having everything perfectly in place is necessary. We all have things we can work on at any given point. But, those things are not all the same for all of us at any given point. So basically, chuck the checklist, girl.

I pray that this blog post has helped you and shed light into the game. Don’t get got. Know what’s out there and guard your heart. Love, Adara